some where out there
I need you here with me now, I feel as if a gaping hole is tearing through my heart. I want your strong freckled arms around my waist as I sit atop of you. I want to be wearing that sweater that smells just like you. That blazing smile that burns my cheeks. I want those butterfly’s in the pit of my stomach. God I can’t deny what the soul is screaming at Me. I would move mountains and damn the gods for you. - refuse to let you go, I don’t care. I can’t live my life pleasing others. I have to trust my heart and follow it with trust. I’m scared, so fucking scared. I’m in love with you. I’m holding my heart in my hands, asking. You to take me just the way that I am.
So we are driving home right now. Today was full of laughs and good memories. Now we shall go see fire works, I’m excited! He’s still in my brain though, is this a good thing thing I don’t know. I hope god is watching you.
the thoughts that are driving me to insanity
I can’t sleep with you always on my mind. I wonder what your thinking at this very moment. Am I in your thoughts as much as you are in my mind. I would like to believe that I’m not in love but my heart knows this is not true and I would be kidding my self with anything less than is awful goodness. There is no reason why I have this molten fire inside to my very core. I don’t know what the future has in store for me or what gods plans are, I can only hope that this is true.
I know I need to say goodbye, why is this so fucking hard to do. I know I need to let him go, let it be. I keep asking people what to do, only wanting them to tell me what I want to hear. Shit man, This is really tearing me up on the inside. He has a girl who loves him dearly and I promised myself I would never take that away from some one ever again. To sacrifice my happiness for another. I give so much up already, I want things to go my way for once, let me be the stubborn bitch. But no Im to nice for that. FML!!!
any who, hows your day going?
Why do people think screaming at me is going to get them any where, I dont Give a fuck who you are, the president for all I care, respect goes both ways mother fucker. So dig the sand out of your vag and treat me with a tad bit of dignity you fucking piece of steaming dog shit.
my life is amazing, bittersweet in a way I suppose. Im doing some thing that not alot of people way they have done. but on the flip side I traded familiarity. I left it all behind me. when I am home i feel alienated by my old friends and even my family, I feel I dont know them any more. What to do, what to do. What will I become when I am done with the military, who will I be. What are my morals? what are they now? I feel like ive lost myself. I thought i had it figured out, to come to find out I dont know the first thing about myself. I over think things now a days. I know im not normal, but who is. My mask i wear, why do i hide behind some thing that is not the truth, this ugly truth that is me that lies behind the facade.
I cant wait to be simply me again and not have to put up walls to protect myself from others who wish to do me harm.
Above in dark mocking clouds
Exquisite torques eyes stare down
Rejoicing in the suffering
Dancing in my bitter tears
Taunting touches threaten to jump start my heart
Where elegant demons linger
Their contorted hands
Nail me down next to Christ
His brilliant eyes give me no solace
If I had the will
I’d rip all your memories
Tear them into a million shreds
Turn them into confedy
And let the wind blow you away
To a desert far from me
Where nothing grows
But the twisting sand duns
Peace will come in gleaming brilliance
But thick skin can’t hide deep scars
I seek comfort in my trembling arms
Slowly they crumble
Leaving me with nothing
But naive hope
its been years since Ive
Nothing will get in my way, when I want some thing I will never stop. Maby this is self destructive behavior i don’t know. My soul burns when I sneak peeks at what the possibility’s are and could be. Its on my mind all the time, I want so badly to get this out of my head, wishing I never got to know the feeling of this sort of twisted infatuation. I know Im for the most part a sane person, but this is driving my to do things I never dreamed I would do, out of character. I never sleep well, I lost my craving and need for food. What The FUCK is wrong with me. Im drowning.
so here I am
So here I am in the United states military. Im struggling to find my way through this insanity. I dont regret joining, but some days I wounder what would have happened if I chose a different path